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02 May 2015 @ 12:47 am
painful rant  
i dont even know what to say, and probably no one will know or understand what im talking about. but i have nowhere else to vent... and it hurts so much... it all hurts...  i just wish this pain could end!

you always said that you hatedliars,an d you became exactly wwhat you said you always hated. you became the exact person to met hat always hurt you!! the one you hated!! and now you say you hate me?! i devoted my last three years of life to you!! i gave you my all even if you couldnt see it!!!

IM SORRY if you dont think my jobs are important. but they arent excuses! im not too lazy to talk to you!!! i gave you time every single day of my life since the day i met you!! but going to school full time and working two part time jobs isnt enough for me to not be with you 24/7 apparently

i always did my best to understand you, even when you couldnt understand yourself. but you stopped thinking of me and trying to understand me. you became so selfish!!! youre whole life revolves around you and your illnesses. i love you to death but YOU DRIVE ME INSANE!!!

i hate being always wrong.. but it happens in every relationship.. i thought you were different, but i guess i was wrong...

ill never have that person who loves me unconditionally forever.. you only did for a year or two... a year and a half or so... then you stopped... it was all conditional... you said you loved me, but im not sure you did after you changed.... just remember, i never once lied to you.. i looked past yours...

all i ever wanted was your happiness... which is why im finally letting you walk away... even though its killing me... ive been sobbing for hours.. i dont knwo what else to do.. you became my life... i have nothing now...

you say i ruined your life? no.. your sickness ruined your life.. it just blames me..but now.. youve ruined mine.... and i still cant help but love you...

how is it one minute you can say that im so boring and you dont have any fun talking to me and then the next you say "thanks its been fun ". stop lying to me!! it only hurts more!!!

i dont know hwat else to sayanymore.. it hurts too much to think anymore... i want to hate you, but i can only hate what you did...
Current Location: lost
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
Monicacallise on May 2nd, 2015 07:21 pm (UTC)
I'm sooo sorry! I don't know your exact pain, but I certainly know some pain.

It's like you pour your heart and soul into them. You love them unconditionally. What do you get in returned? Treated like you mean so little to them. They mean the world to you, but to them mean so little.

It's like DON'T YOU SEE! don't you see how much I care! how much I've been there! how much I love you.

I've cried RIVERS OF TEARS. how sad you make me, even though I cry and cry and cry I still love you.

*sigh* life sucks. just hang in there ok? just keep on going one step at a time.

try to focus on school and your job. keep distracted.

I do hope you get to feeling better. This pain is so horrible.
Meganyamapi_luver4 on May 10th, 2015 10:28 pm (UTC)
hey there :) thanks for taking the time to read this and for caring enough to leave a comforting comment

i just read what i posted and i know i was really upset when i posted that but wow, my typos! i didnt realize i was THAT upset!

anyway, everything is better with that person now. even though i told her she could walk away, we just kept talking and she never ended up leaving lol she apologized and-- well lets just say its long and complicated but its ok now!~ were fine now~ i know well still have ups and downs but for now, were still friends ^^

it was so incredibly painful. indescribably painful to the point that i wanted to just die, but, like i said, its better now. thank you so much for your comment! it super means a lot to me. i thought people would just ignore this post but i really appreciate that you didnt

youre a good friend, even though we rarely talk anymore
Monicacallise on May 12th, 2015 04:37 am (UTC)
your welcome. I saw your post so I though you could use a reply to see someone is reading and there for you.

I didnt even pay attention to typos.

I'm glad things are better.

Yeah Ive felt my own pain from loving someone so deeply feel like you mean so little back. To love them unconditionally but feel like not special....

Its hard, so I though you could use a reply.
Meganyamapi_luver4 on May 21st, 2015 05:28 am (UTC)
the reply did mean a lot to me, so thank you again so much for it. its nice to know theres someone who cares and pays attention to me, even if i do get annoying with all of my drama haha

youre a good friend, even though i disappeared from here for some time. you were right there when i came back and i definitely appreciate that
Monicacallise on May 21st, 2015 06:07 am (UTC)
your welcome! it isn't annoying drama. I sort of felt some of your pain, I know when you hurt that badly you NEED to know there's someone out there. So I made a point of replying to the post.

HA HA I feel all the LJ people have been disappearing randomly reappearing.
Megan: ryopiyamapi_luver4 on November 5th, 2015 03:27 am (UTC)
And here i am, disappearing again... sorry about that... I'm not in a much better bitsy than i was when i posted this haha orz

How are you though?
Monicacallise on November 5th, 2015 05:41 am (UTC)
aawww sorry you aren't much better when you posted that.

How am I....such a rough question....

my Dad died, my sister had a mental break down, I've been having the weight of the world on my shoulders....

I AM SOOOO HOPING the worst part is over and things can get better.... *fingers crossed*

I hope things get better for you too!

if you need someone to message about what's going on...these days I am slow to respond....but I will reply
Meganyamapi_luver4 on November 19th, 2015 09:27 pm (UTC)

I am so sorry to hear that! I can't even imagine what you are going through. The important thing is just to keep on going, but also be sure you do grieve as much as you need... I hope you'll be better soon too

As for me, I'm just like on a roller coaster, very up and down. Lately the ups have been coming a bit more frequently, so I know I'll be ok some day

Even though I'm not here so often, you can always send me a message whenever and I'll do my best to be here for you too. I'm not the best at consoling or anything, but I can always listen!